Critique My Query

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The Red Glass, a middle-grade novel

An evaluation of a query letter for a book

By Marla Miller
Published: November 14, 2011
Marla Miller
Marla Miller
The query letter

Dear ________:

Lee Burns has no parents. They’re dead. For the past 10 years he’s lived with his grandfather, Nicholas, his only blood relation. He’s grown up listening to his grandfather’s enchanting tales about a magical land called Sparx, a place that many witches and wizards call home. Lee loves these stories almost as much as he loves the man that reads them to him, but when Nicholas suddenly falls ill, Lee’s world is turned upside down. Afraid he may lose the only family he has left, Lee soon realizes that Sparx is more than just a fairy tale, and he suddenly finds himself thrust into a mission to retrieve the Red Glass, a legendary goblet with astonishing healing powers. And as if that isn’t enough for a 12-year-old to think about, Lee discovers one more thing: He’s a wizard.

Along the way he meets two extraordinary characters, Feona and Cheeky, and they soon become fast friends, something Lee has never had before. Together, they face unbelievable dangers and perilous evils, things Lee only dreamed existed. Werewolves lurk around every corner, something called Piratica suddenly haunt Lee’s mind day and night, and worst of all, just when Lee thinks the journey is over, an ancient warlock is summoned back to life. And come to find out … he’s been waiting for Lee Burns.

It’s a race against time in this spellbinding adventure as Lee must push aside his insecurities and overcome his deepest fears if he ever wants to see his grandfather again. Everything he cherishes, everything he holds dear, is now at stake, and if Lee Burns isn’t fast enough … he may lost it all.

The Red Glass is a fantasy novel intended for middle-grade readers. Fully completed, it stands at 37,000 words. The book involves one looming problem in today’s society: Bullying. The main character starts out pathetically insecure, but he eventually finds his inner voice and breaks out of his shell. Chock-full of magic, adventure and suspense, The Red Glass will hopefully captivate young fans of today’s popular fantasy series and encourage them to be themselves and stand up to the bullies in their lives.

At the time, I must say that I do not have any professional credentials. I do, however, appreciate your time in reading my submission, which is found below, and look forward to the possibility of hearing back from you. Thank you again.  

Sincerely,

[Name withheld]

The critique


Want Marla to critique your book query?

Send your query letter to marketingthemuse@gmail.com. Be sure to use the subject line "The Writer Query Letter Critique." Queries for nonfiction and fiction (all genres) are welcome, and critiques are free.

Marla Miller, a writer herself, teaches Marketing the Muse Workshops at the Southern California Writers' Conference and the Santa Barbara Writers Conference. Her Quick Query Critique video segments are available at marlamiller.com.

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MARLA MILLER from CALIFORNIA said:
Pete-
RE ur words: We writers sometimes forget the theme of our story while we hone each sentence or craft the first five pages. I thought the writer's remarks - -
'ain't' that the truth! ...:)
To all of you, thanks for your comments---it helps ALL of us.
namaste,
Marla
SAM CAMPBELL from VIRGINIA said:
Great advice, Marla. Thanks :) I appreciate the feedback and will definitely listen to it as I re-vamp this query!
MARLA MILLER from CALIFORNIA said:
Sam-perhaps the story volume could be less but here's the meat of this query:
Werewolves lurk around every corner, something called Piratica suddenly haunt Lee’s mind day and night, and worst of all, just when Lee thinks the journey is over, an ancient warlock is summoned back to life. And come to find out … he’s been waiting for Lee Burns.
It’s a race against time in this spellbinding adventure as Lee must push aside his insecurities and overcome his deepest fears if he ever wants to see his grandfather again..
In graf # 1 he sets it up. In graf #2 (the cut/paste here) he turns up the tension...makes reader say "uh, oh, something bad is gonna happen.."
That's sufficient. the query has done its job EXCEPT if this is really about bullying....then this author needs to go back to the query drawing board and bleed this in from the top.
Hope this helps and thanks to all for your feedback- we LOVE it here @ The Writer!!!
:)
Marla
5 stars
PETE PETERSON from CALIFORNIA said:
As usual, Marla hit the save button square on in her critique. We writers sometimes forget the theme of our story while we hone each sentence or craft the first five pages. I thought the writer's remarks - - this spell-binding novel, and related remarks - - were self-serving and of his/her opinion, 'tho Miss Miller (the professional) made no mention of these in her remarks. I'll gladly concede to the pro everytime! Good stuff as always.
5 stars
MINDI ANDERSON from ILLINOIS said:
Another fabulous critique, Marla. I learn something new each time I watch your videos. :)
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