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The Best Birthday Party, a children's book

An evaluation of a query letter for a book

By Marla Miller
Published: February 20, 2012
Marla Miller
Marla Miller
The query letter

Dear ________:

I am currently seeking representation for The Best Birthday Party, my 1,800-word story geared to 7- and 8-year-olds. I hope that you will like the story and add me to your list of authors.
 
Danny Sheldon is anxious to celebrate his birthday party with friends and relatives. His parents are looking forward to the occasion, too. The dining room has been brightly decorated with party favors and streamers, colorful Happy Birthday! balloons are taped to the walls, and the whiff of hot pizza is in the air. There’s only one problem: A major snowstorm makes going outside impossible, even for the kids who live down the block. Danny tries to put on a brave face but can’t hide his disappointment that no one shows up. Fortunately, his parents think of a way to save the day, and Danny learns a lesson about what really makes a great birthday party.
 
Although new to children’s stories, I have been writing for a long time. For nearly 18 years, I wrote about the stock market for [Blank], a publication widely read in the investment community. And many dozens of my management-related articles appeared in magazines and newsletters published by The [Blank] Association.
 
Thank you in advance for your interest. I will be very happy to send you The Best Birthday Party for your consideration and look forward to speaking with you in greater detail.
 
Sincerely,

[Name withheld]

The critique

Want Marla to critique your book query?

Send your query letter to marketingthemuse@gmail.com. Be sure to use the subject line "The Writer Query Letter Critique." Queries for nonfiction and fiction (all genres) are welcome, and critiques are free.

Marla Miller, a writer herself, teaches Marketing the Muse Workshops at the Southern California Writers' Conference and the Santa Barbara Writers Conference. Her Quick Query Critique video segments are available at marlamiller.com.

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MARLA MILLER from CALIFORNIA said:
JM, you paint a picture that is fairly accurate-it's harder than ever to get an agent's attention. Given the tools we have to access them-query letters-it better be a darn good one. 'Hooking' is the heart of a query letter. For those who have written compelling prose-whether it's fiction/nonfiction - that 'drama' better be represented on one page in the query.
It's tougher than ever but agents are hungrier than ever....they want to stay in this biz too and the only way to do that is by discovering new talent.
At least in my humble & thanks for taking time to comment.
Marla
Submitted: 3/1/2012 5:31:20 PM (CST)
DR PATRICIA HOGAN from MISSOURI said:
That query seems pretty good. If an agent is so facile she can't read past the first sentence, then I'm not sure how useful she'll be. The main thing is to be clear, concise, and not make egregious errors. Sure, if you have a good hook, use it, but personally I'd see through the hook and look for the substance. Agents are shrewd. You won't fool them with a hook.

My agent recently retired, at age 89. He was a delightful man, though he couldn't sell anything. He was sick, but also glad to leave the business, because New York publishing was running scared and had thrown up a firewall. Newcomers had almost zero chance of getting through. Even agents can't always get through.

After my agent quit, I tried with an agent I heard speak at a conference. She was very nice about it all, but finally allowed that she'd circled the wagons, and was only going to represent the writers she already had. So the perfect query letter wasn't going to matter. In fact, it was my follow-up to the query where I got her to acknowledge her stance.

I suppose the alternative is to say to wouldbe writers, there's no hope. Dont't want to do that, clearly.

-- John Mort
Submitted: 2/22/2012 11:45:25 PM (CST)
MARLA MILLER from CALIFORNIA said:
(sorry, my 1st post had errors)
Martha!
SOOOO glad you found it helpful. It's funny, often writers think that the critique of another writer's query can't possibly have any applicability to their own work...until they listen and then like you, they get it, too. Here's the thing: story is story-whether it's romance, paranormal, thriller, mainstream etc., the opening has to be compelling enough to make the reader want to turn the page. Same holds true for queries. Sure, the particulars vary but all queries have one purpose-to hook the reader enough so s/he must read this story that has just hooked him/her! Credentials are great-as long as they relate to the story- otherwise, don't worry, just HOOK us.
Thanks Martha for taking time to offer your perspective-this helps writers, too!
Marla
Submitted: 2/21/2012 1:55:43 PM (CST)
MARLA MILLER from CALIFORNIA said:
Martha!
SOOOO glad you found it helpful. It's funny, often writers think that the critique of another writer's query can't possibly have any applicability to their own work...until they listen and then like you, they get it, too. Here's the thing: story is story-whether it's romance, paranormal, thriller, mainstream etc., as the story ,'ve got to make the raader want to turn the page. Same holds true for queries. Sure, the particulars vary but all queries have one purpose-to hook the reader enough so s/he must read this story that has just hooked him/her! Credentials are great-as long as they relate to the story- otherwise, don't worry, just HOOK us.
Thanks Martha for taking time to offer your perspective-this helps writers, too!
Marla
www.MarlaMiller.com

Submitted: 2/20/2012 2:08:21 PM (CST)
5 stars
MARTHA REYNOLDS from RHODE ISLAND said:
Even though I'm not writing a children's book, this query critique was very helpful to me. For one thing, I thought the letter was well-written, too, so I was glad to hear Ms. Miller say the same thing.
Also, I am writing my first novel (women's fiction) after a career in the financial/regulatory field, so hearing her suggestions about how to phrase the lack of experience and former life was great.
Thanks!
Submitted: 2/20/2012 10:50:14 AM (CST)
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