Vampyre Novel Excerpt

Novel excerpts

Vampyre Novel Excerpt

John120 06-13-2005, 9:37 PM
High above the alley, silhouetted against the night sky, sitting on top of a building, a disappointed figure looked down at the scene. His name was Valac, and he was trying to win a bet with a friend. It wasn’t going so well, and Valac was not a someone who enjoyed losing, especially not to Mathim. That arrogant prick would be gloating when Valac got told him about this. And the most frustrating thing about this was that the little man had been so close! Everything had been perfect. He had lifted the head up for Christ’s sake! Valac had sent a steady stream of encouragement down, but to no avail. The pathetic creature was a coward. Maybe there had been an underestimation of the power of the human conscience. They were so weak…

Valac stopped himself before the fury that was rising up within him could take hold. Anger would accomplish nothing here. Slowly, he took a deep breath and let it out. After all, it wasn’t as if psychic powers were infallible, or completely predictable. There was so much that he could do, but there was so much that was just impossible. And if the human had a strong mind, then his power would be that much less effective, especially if he couldn’t directly take control.

A drop of blood quivered on his lip and he licked it absently. This would be a difficult bet to win, but he had ultimate confidence in himself and several days left to accomplish his goal. Soon, it would happen. The little human would kill in cold blood, or at least unnecessarily. Valac hated the term in cold blood, especially when related to killing. Cold blood implied that there was no passion, and nothing was more passionate than the act of taking a life. Nobody’s blood was cold when they were killing, even someone who had killed as many times as Valac. Killing was the ultimate drug. The heart always began to beat faster, the blood always heated up, the senses were always more alert. The act of taking a life was anything but a cold blooded activity. That’s how it had been with his first kill…

....................................

It was his first night as a vampyre, oh so many years ago. Back then he had lived in Italy. His turning had been the act of a rogue vampyre, one that had not followed the Code. The Change was difficult for Valac at first, very painful, and very disorienting. For awhile, he hadn’t quite known what was happening, not even after that idiot had explained it to him. Valac, known back then as Alessandro, ran from the monster, fleeing into the safety of the night. As he ran, he began to notice things, things that he had never seen before. His senses, they were so sharp! And he was running so quickly. None of the people around him seemed to see at all as he passed, and indeed, they were gone before he could turn his head to look back. He began to enjoy himself, savoring his newfound skills, taking everything in with completely new eyes. Slowing down, he sent his senses out to the world around him. The sights, the sounds, the smells, all of them were so much clearer, so much more beautiful than they had been for him as a human. Things about the city appeared that he had never known existed, the smell of the rats in the sewer, the fear wafting off of the dogs as he passed them in the street, the contrast between the light and the shadow. He saw everything. And then he saw her, and knew that she would be his. For blocks he followed her, several hundred feet back, stalking her as a wolf stalks a rabbit a rabbit with no senses with which to elude the hunter. Everything about her he took in and committed to memory, the way she moved, the way the muscles rippled in her legs, the way she sped up when she saw a person that might be a threat. Her scent filled his nostrils even over the distance, a sweet perfume tickling his nose. Inexperience had him constantly worried that she would catch sight of him and run before he had a chance at her, but she never did. It had been easy. As soon as she opened the door to the apartment, he rushed forward, closing the two hundred foot gap between them in seconds, on her before she finished the step over the threshold. Moving that quickly was exhilarating, but nothing compared to the smell and feel of her fear as it rolled off of her body. As soon as he reached her, he grabbed her from behind and pushed her forward through the door, away from the prying eyes of the world, where he could have her as he would.

With one hand clutching her neck and the other covering her mouth, he lowered his nose to her neck and took a whiff of the delicious scent. Up close, it was even more intoxicating and dizziness came over him. She tried to struggle, to get away from his grip, but he only squeezed harder, His tongue stretched forward and licked her gently, and he groaned, relishing the taste of her in his mouth; his thumb could feel her pulse in her neck, and he moved the hand down to her heart to feel it tumbling along in fear. With his hand now removed from her throat, the pulsing jugular was easily visible, moving the skin on her neck rapidly. For several moments he stood there, exhilarated beyond anything that he had ever experienced. Then he could stand the suspense no longer and launched his mouth forward, sinking his teeth into her luscious neck. The blood poured out of the wound and into his waiting mouth like a river, pushed by the terrified beating of her heart. It was the sweetest thing he had ever tasted.

RE: Vampyre Novel Excerpt

silvermoon 06-14-2005, 7:23 AM
Just did a quick once over and will give it more thorough attention when time permits. My initial response is that some of this is very compelling. I don't like vampire stories, but I'd flip a few pages anyway. I especially liked how the very personal nature of the attack in the flashback has a certain animalistic quaility that is slightly erotic, intriguing and apalling all at once. Not an easy thing to accomplish.

The flip side is that some of it, especially the very first sentence in the very first paragraph and the first paragraph of the flashback seem to be hastily crafted, both in tone and cadence (I know that word brings visions of poetry with it, but I felt it the right word here, since when you get into the "fun" stuff your style has a very nice flow to it that is lacking at other times.) I noticed several small typos seemed to correspond to the hastily crafted areas so I would assume those are portions that havn't received as much editorial attention. My initial take is that If you apply the same loving care with the mundane parts that you have applied to the goodies you will have something impressive.

As I said, I'll revisit this one in the next day or so, when time permits, and then offer you a more detailed response.

RE: Vampyre Novel Excerpt

britney_05_2 06-14-2005, 5:07 PM
John,
I don't like to edit other people's work, so I'm just going to tell you what I think.
I think you did a good job of getting inside your character's mind. You gave a very compelling opening and made me want to learn more about Valac. I agree with what silvermoon said about the flashback. You did a very nice job of bringing about three very different emotions in your readers.
Overall, I liked it and I would love to read more.